My faith walks on broken glass
Cos’ what I did does not pass

Remembering the fond memories of what we had walked through in the number of years which I was by your side brings genuine smiles. Those were simpler times where there’s no need of fanciful dinner nor expensive gifts. Surprising you with a pink carnation wrapped in a clear plastic, a thoughtfully mandarin-written card, a cake from the bakery next door with Happy Mother’s Day inked onto the cake and most importantly a warmth hug to show that I care from the heart within, created smiles and tears in you.

And now, instead of pink, I can only honor you with white carnation.

You are a cushion when I fall
You are a support when I call
Today and tomorrow, my whole life through, I will still love and cherish you.

I love you.

If I could write to you
Surely I could confess with simplicity

Losing together, crying together
I was out for search
In which words I had to believe to keep walking
How many times all hopes had been broken
Even that hurt us, we’re going to continue living
We have to continue

The stormy seas of your youth were harsh but
A boat of dreams had lead you to tomorrow’s shore

Now don’t cry
In the moment when you disappear
I believe in my own words to keep walking
My adult self – it’s damaged too
My sweet pain lives now

Though having said all the above, I’ve been wanting to write but somehow managed to shy away from it, partly it’s due to time and I was trying not to let sad emotions take over me. To a point, I don’t even know I’m hiding it or I’ve completely forgotten you. I will never ever let the latter happens. Being your boy, I will love you for as long as I live.

For a reason, I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. Every little events reminds me of you, how you used to raise me up when I was a kid. Like the time I went to this hypermarket, it wasn’t filled with people. The quietness reminded me how we used to go out to malls or hypermarkets for a short walk on afternoon. Be it when I was still studying or when I came back during the weekends.

I miss those moments and again whenever I’m at our home, alone, I do feel the emptiness of the house. It’s just not complete anymore. Somehow, it does not serve the purpose of the happy house anymore. It’s just a place with furnitures and past memories. Past happy memories, that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

I’m losing my strength again….

I wonder why.

Please guide me.

A lot of times, us humans, have no control over our lives. I mean, yea, we do but often there are limitations to what we can do. There are many things that are beyond our control, hence one can only pray, hoping for long life and better health. What’s the truth behind all these?

Such news, made me realise how vulnerable one can be? In fact, in this week itself, I found that at my age, one could easily have hypertension. There goes the fact that men above 40 years of age and obese only susceptible for such killer disease. You guess it right. The person is me. Most probably it’s from the family history. It made me wonder. Will I leave like the way she did? It’s just scary. There are no symptoms to it and with just a snap of a finger, you’re gone. It’s just like having a time bomb, planted inside you, ready to explode any seconds.

The feelings inside me are way too complicated to comprehend. I tried to shy away and that’s most probably the best way of getting out of it. Hence, I’ve fallen ill now. Listening to how grandma cried in front of you, really let me know that till now, I miss you a lot. A lot. What else can I do to show that I’m one obedient child whose love towards his mother is ever undying? I’ve not forgotten what had happened that had gotten us apart.

Heal me, i am heartsick
I am hungry & i am broken
I am haunted, & weeping
The blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight, tears i cannot fight on my own
I am a haunted, heaving, i am hung & barely breathing
The drowning ocean, snuff the sun in motion.
There is a pill on my tongue, a shot from a gun , the bottles bottom
I am lonely as a star

So heal me, i am heart sick
Hungry, but i can survive on you
Heal my heartsick hungry cries
I am heartsick

Father, free me. mama , woman, feed me.
Child of fury, lost his way but don´t worry.
I would not stop til the dawn,
Though i am in too long on the run i grow strong & restless as a dog

I miss you. It’s been almost 2 years now and I’m still not used to it. Being alone.

I’m ill and I hope you’ll be by my side pampering me.

I love you. Happy Birthday.

You’d been great to me, showing endless care and unconditional love and supported me throughout my days in England. I mean, you’d done a lot of things and sacrifices but in return, I have not given a single thing that you deserved. You actually loved me more than I do. There are a lot of times, I feel the guilt for not being a filial son. But then, who are we to question fate. God loves you more than I do and perhaps He thinks that I’m not able to give you what you deserve, hence the painful departure.

I mean why. I promised I will do. I promised. I really did.

Till today, I still miss your presence. I have not been as bubbly as before and often keep most things to myself, not willing to share with anyone in the house. I miss the times where I kept ranting and telling you almost everything and anything. And yet, you’re more than happy to listen to me and shared most of sadness and happiness.

I am missing you.
I miss how it is like to have a mum to nag my doings.
I miss being loved by a mother.
I miss being around with you.
I miss our happier times together.
I miss celebrating MOTHER’S DAY with you.

And now, I can only express in words. I am really really sorry I can’t do any further.

Mummy, Happy Mama’s Day. I love you.

For the past few days, and especially today, I kept thinking of what happened at the past year.

Today’s weather is exactly as last year’s today’s weather. What a shame coincidence.

A year ago today, I had to choose to let you go. A decision, which I was never able to voice but to nod.

And today, major depression has struck and caused me a severe headache and the feeling of lost.

A lot to express but I just have to stop. The more I contemplate, the more painful it gets.

What else could I do besides going home to be with you on this day?

Exactly a year ago, it was a devastating and painfully sad day,where I was betrayed by faith and hope. It happened just the way I had imagined, even though I didn’t want it to.

Strong, vivid, haunting images are still as clear as it had just happened.

The blue light was on together with its alarm. It was one scary light. I could hardly walk. My legs were trembling and both of my hands were put together, praying hard that everything will be fine. I even knelt and prayed but my heart had the fear. The fear of losing her. I grabbed the phone and started dialing.

“Please come back immediately. Something has gone wrong. Please NOW!”

I had no time. I took the lift from 4th floor to 1st floor, and followed them together with grandma. We were back to square. The floor where patients are all in critical condition. I held my own hands, faced the window and knelt on the floor.

“Please don’t take her away from me. Please. I need her very much. I want to take care of her. I really want to. Please Papa. Don’t take her away from me..”

I repeated the sentence over and over again, hoping Papa will protect her and return her to me. Minutes later, doctor came out from the room and delivered me the news which I dreaded to hear. I almost fainted. I shook my head in disbelief. Seriously, why?

I rushed in and you were there lying on the bed with all tubes surrounding you. I walked in and held your hand. They were cold.

_______

A year later, I’m now alone with no laughter in my life. Somehow, you just don’t feel like connecting and rather be left alone. And most times, it’s just the mask that’s doing all the daily work.

It’s bad I know but it’s life. If you think you could bury the past, the past will claw its way out.

I love you. Everything has passed and you’ve had suffered enough. I’ll forever be in your heart. And vice-versa.

Today the bus station greets me nothing but tears.

I really have a lot to say but often, I shy away from the truth and never want to reveal to anyone. What is the point of showing your weakness when you shouldn’t be. I can only grow from here. To be someone what I’m destined to be. To live by myself and not let anyone enter my world except you. Off and on, I’ve loads to say but to whom I should relate to. Bah, it’s nonsense anyway. Why bother.

All I know now is, it’s been one year. Or almost one year. I didn’t want this day to come but I trembled in fear when August is fast approaching. It creates fear. It creates nothing but nightmares. I hate and don’t like it at all. I cry in desperation to get out from this but who is there to listen? Sometimes, it amazes me how well I manage what I have been suffering all these while.

Is it you who’s trying to make me have a fulfilling August? Why is my trip to Jakarta postponed to August from mid July? Why is my English mate visiting me in early August? Why is my workload piling up at this point of time? Why and why?

I miss you. A lot. I have vowed to myself, to be with you on the day you chose to leave me or should I say, I chose to let you leave me. I have planned to take the day off to drive back, be with you a little while and be at home to feel the afternoon emptiness, which is exactly how I felt when you were in hospital. Everything seems like a dream, only it was a bad dream, which I hope it wasn’t true.

30 July 2006 – 9:30am

I stopped at the “no parking” area to wait for their arrival. At the opposite lane, a green bus drove past and seconds later it stopped right in front of me. I turned on the ignition and looked as the bus unloading its passengers. And there I saw two happy faces.

“There, drink this chrysanthemum tea. I woke up early to make this for you. Good boy.”

Off I drove back onto Federal Highway and back to Subang for a late breakfast. It was a simple “chee cheong fun” breakfast a Kwai Sun. A place where it gives me miserable heartache if I sit at the same place eating the same food in the morning. After the hearty breakfast, it was shopping for working clothes time at Midvalley.

It was about 4pm before we decided to call it off and drove back to Ipoh. It took slightly longer than normal to reach as I didn’t bother to step on the gas too much because I didn’t want to get the nagging. Reached home, mum opened the gate and in I drove. I stopped at the usual spot, but this time I knocked the flower pot and it fell onto the ground, pouring off its soil. Panicked for a tad second but had everything back into one piece without any damage.

But instead, it was a sign to a much greater damage.

It has been pretty much dull weeks, with a lot of thoughts here and there, very much related to happy memories I used to have and I wished to write it down but it didn’t seem to happened because I didn’t want to get caught in depression every single damn day. There are, in fact a lot of thoughts being raised by my inner self during my weeks of absence in blogging.

It’s almost end of June and a year ago, I tendered my resignation letter at my previous company. It seems just like yesterday. With June reaching its end, it means August is fast approaching. And this could probably cause me to succumb back into the destructive feelings. Most probably I will even with work piling up by that period. I might even take a hike to elsewhere, if finance is not a problem, which is very unlikely to happen. Having suffered for almost a year, it is not easy, I shall say.

The clock has strike 12. Happy Birthday to me. This is my first birthday, without you wishing me and I’m not feeling good about it. How I wished you’re here to be with me. At least for me to say, I love you too and thank you for bringing me to this world. The regret would be I was forced to stop saying this 22 years later.