Urbanite’s Hideaway

Looking at the recent news about the giant magnitude quake that hit Sichuan province of China, it is almost devastating to see such unexpected natural disaster claiming thousands of lives and making millions homeless. In fact, when you read the news, you could almost felt what had actually hit them. It’s not easy of losing your loved one, let alone, losing all your loved ones and at the same time he/she is left homeless. It really is dramatic and heart-wrenching looking at those shouting for their parents/children’s name, hoping they will come back-alive. Having gone through such bitter case, I can easily bet with ya, such grievance is not something one can let go easily.

A lot of times, us humans, have no control over our lives. I mean, yea, we do but often there are limitations to what we can do. There are many things that are beyond our control, hence one can only pray, hoping for long life and better health. What’s the truth behind all these?

Such news, made me realise how vulnerable one can be? In fact, in this week itself, I found that at my age, one could easily have hypertension. There goes the fact that men above 40 years of age and obese only susceptible for such killer disease. You guess it right. The person is me. Most probably it’s from the family history. It made me wonder. Will I leave like the way she did? It’s just scary. There are no symptoms to it and with just a snap of a finger, you’re gone. It’s just like having a time bomb, planted inside you, ready to explode any seconds.

The feelings inside me are way too complicated to comprehend. I tried to shy away and that’s most probably the best way of getting out of it. Hence, I’ve fallen ill now. Listening to how grandma cried in front of you, really let me know that till now, I miss you a lot. A lot. What else can I do to show that I’m one obedient child whose love towards his mother is ever undying? I’ve not forgotten what had happened that had gotten us apart.

Heal me, i am heartsick
I am hungry & i am broken
I am haunted, & weeping
The blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight, tears i cannot fight on my own
I am a haunted, heaving, i am hung & barely breathing
The drowning ocean, snuff the sun in motion.
There is a pill on my tongue, a shot from a gun , the bottles bottom
I am lonely as a star

So heal me, i am heart sick
Hungry, but i can survive on you
Heal my heartsick hungry cries
I am heartsick

Father, free me. mama , woman, feed me.
Child of fury, lost his way but don´t worry.
I would not stop til the dawn,
Though i am in too long on the run i grow strong & restless as a dog

I miss you. It’s been almost 2 years now and I’m still not used to it. Being alone.

I’m ill and I hope you’ll be by my side pampering me.

I love you. Happy Birthday.

Been a while since I last wrote. And it’s now the 2nd year I am celebrating Mother’s Day without you actually being by my side.

You’d been great to me, showing endless care and unconditional love and supported me throughout my days in England. I mean, you’d done a lot of things and sacrifices but in return, I have not given a single thing that you deserved. You actually loved me more than I do. There are a lot of times, I feel the guilt for not being a filial son. But then, who are we to question fate. God loves you more than I do and perhaps He thinks that I’m not able to give you what you deserve, hence the painful departure.

I mean why. I promised I will do. I promised. I really did.

Till today, I still miss your presence. I have not been as bubbly as before and often keep most things to myself, not willing to share with anyone in the house. I miss the times where I kept ranting and telling you almost everything and anything. And yet, you’re more than happy to listen to me and shared most of sadness and happiness.

I am missing you.
I miss how it is like to have a mum to nag my doings.
I miss being loved by a mother.
I miss being around with you.
I miss our happier times together.
I miss celebrating MOTHER’S DAY with you.

And now, I can only express in words. I am really really sorry I can’t do any further.

Mummy, Happy Mama’s Day. I love you.