Hiatus

It’s been a year and 14 days since my last writing. Seems like I had gone into a pretty long hiatus. Not really used to writing blogs now and as a matter of fact I’m feeling rather stiff expressing a certain feelings.

Though having said all the above, I’ve been wanting to write but somehow managed to shy away from it, partly it’s due to time and I was trying not to let sad emotions take over me. To a point, I don’t even know I’m hiding it or I’ve completely forgotten you. I will never ever let the latter happens. Being your boy, I will love you for as long as I live.

For a reason, I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. Every little events reminds me of you, how you used to raise me up when I was a kid. Like the time I went to this hypermarket, it wasn’t filled with people. The quietness reminded me how we used to go out to malls or hypermarkets for a short walk on afternoon. Be it when I was still studying or when I came back during the weekends.

I miss those moments and again whenever I’m at our home, alone, I do feel the emptiness of the house. It’s just not complete anymore. Somehow, it does not serve the purpose of the happy house anymore. It’s just a place with furnitures and past memories. Past happy memories, that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

I’m losing my strength again….

I wonder why.

Please guide me.

The Month of Love

Looking at the recent news about the giant magnitude quake that hit Sichuan province of China, it is almost devastating to see such unexpected natural disaster claiming thousands of lives and making millions homeless. In fact, when you read the news, you could almost felt what had actually hit them. It’s not easy of losing your loved one, let alone, losing all your loved ones and at the same time he/she is left homeless. It really is dramatic and heart-wrenching looking at those shouting for their parents/children’s name, hoping they will come back-alive. Having gone through such bitter case, I can easily bet with ya, such grievance is not something one can let go easily.

A lot of times, us humans, have no control over our lives. I mean, yea, we do but often there are limitations to what we can do. There are many things that are beyond our control, hence one can only pray, hoping for long life and better health. What’s the truth behind all these?

Such news, made me realise how vulnerable one can be? In fact, in this week itself, I found that at my age, one could easily have hypertension. There goes the fact that men above 40 years of age and obese only susceptible for such killer disease. You guess it right. The person is me. Most probably it’s from the family history. It made me wonder. Will I leave like the way she did? It’s just scary. There are no symptoms to it and with just a snap of a finger, you’re gone. It’s just like having a time bomb, planted inside you, ready to explode any seconds.

The feelings inside me are way too complicated to comprehend. I tried to shy away and that’s most probably the best way of getting out of it. Hence, I’ve fallen ill now. Listening to how grandma cried in front of you, really let me know that till now, I miss you a lot. A lot. What else can I do to show that I’m one obedient child whose love towards his mother is ever undying? I’ve not forgotten what had happened that had gotten us apart.

Heal me, i am heartsick
I am hungry & i am broken
I am haunted, & weeping
The blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight, tears i cannot fight on my own
I am a haunted, heaving, i am hung & barely breathing
The drowning ocean, snuff the sun in motion.
There is a pill on my tongue, a shot from a gun , the bottles bottom
I am lonely as a star

So heal me, i am heart sick
Hungry, but i can survive on you
Heal my heartsick hungry cries
I am heartsick

Father, free me. mama , woman, feed me.
Child of fury, lost his way but don´t worry.
I would not stop til the dawn,
Though i am in too long on the run i grow strong & restless as a dog

I miss you. It’s been almost 2 years now and I’m still not used to it. Being alone.

I’m ill and I hope you’ll be by my side pampering me.

I love you. Happy Birthday.

A Tribute to a Wonderful Mother

Been a while since I last wrote. And it’s now the 2nd year I am celebrating Mother’s Day without you actually being by my side.

You’d been great to me, showing endless care and unconditional love and supported me throughout my days in England. I mean, you’d done a lot of things and sacrifices but in return, I have not given a single thing that you deserved. You actually loved me more than I do. There are a lot of times, I feel the guilt for not being a filial son. But then, who are we to question fate. God loves you more than I do and perhaps He thinks that I’m not able to give you what you deserve, hence the painful departure.

I mean why. I promised I will do. I promised. I really did.

Till today, I still miss your presence. I have not been as bubbly as before and often keep most things to myself, not willing to share with anyone in the house. I miss the times where I kept ranting and telling you almost everything and anything. And yet, you’re more than happy to listen to me and shared most of sadness and happiness.

I am missing you.
I miss how it is like to have a mum to nag my doings.
I miss being loved by a mother.
I miss being around with you.
I miss our happier times together.
I miss celebrating MOTHER’S DAY with you.

And now, I can only express in words. I am really really sorry I can’t do any further.

Mummy, Happy Mama’s Day. I love you.

The Lost

16.08.06

For the past few days, and especially today, I kept thinking of what happened at the past year.

Today’s weather is exactly as last year’s today’s weather. What a shame coincidence.

A year ago today, I had to choose to let you go. A decision, which I was never able to voice but to nod.

And today, major depression has struck and caused me a severe headache and the feeling of lost.

A lot to express but I just have to stop. The more I contemplate, the more painful it gets.

What else could I do besides going home to be with you on this day?

The Collapse of My Faith

Monday – 13 Aug ‘07 – 9:00am

Exactly a year ago, it was a devastating and painfully sad day,where I was betrayed by faith and hope. It happened just the way I had imagined, even though I didn’t want it to.

Strong, vivid, haunting images are still as clear as it had just happened.

The blue light was on together with its alarm. It was one scary light. I could hardly walk. My legs were trembling and both of my hands were put together, praying hard that everything will be fine. I even knelt and prayed but my heart had the fear. The fear of losing her. I grabbed the phone and started dialing.

“Please come back immediately. Something has gone wrong. Please NOW!”

I had no time. I took the lift from 4th floor to 1st floor, and followed them together with grandma. We were back to square. The floor where patients are all in critical condition. I held my own hands, faced the window and knelt on the floor.

“Please don’t take her away from me. Please. I need her very much. I want to take care of her. I really want to. Please Papa. Don’t take her away from me..”

I repeated the sentence over and over again, hoping Papa will protect her and return her to me. Minutes later, doctor came out from the room and delivered me the news which I dreaded to hear. I almost fainted. I shook my head in disbelief. Seriously, why?

I rushed in and you were there lying on the bed with all tubes surrounding you. I walked in and held your hand. They were cold.

_______

A year later, I’m now alone with no laughter in my life. Somehow, you just don’t feel like connecting and rather be left alone. And most times, it’s just the mask that’s doing all the daily work.

It’s bad I know but it’s life. If you think you could bury the past, the past will claw its way out.

I love you. Everything has passed and you’ve had suffered enough. I’ll forever be in your heart. And vice-versa.

30 July 2006

Today is 30th July 2007. Exactly a year ago, it was a Sunday. I woke up that morning, with anticipation, knowing I’ve to pick up the loved ones at the bus station and to drive back to my hometown for a holiday turned nightmare 2 weeks break.

Today the bus station greets me nothing but tears.

I really have a lot to say but often, I shy away from the truth and never want to reveal to anyone. What is the point of showing your weakness when you shouldn’t be. I can only grow from here. To be someone what I’m destined to be. To live by myself and not let anyone enter my world except you. Off and on, I’ve loads to say but to whom I should relate to. Bah, it’s nonsense anyway. Why bother.

All I know now is, it’s been one year. Or almost one year. I didn’t want this day to come but I trembled in fear when August is fast approaching. It creates fear. It creates nothing but nightmares. I hate and don’t like it at all. I cry in desperation to get out from this but who is there to listen? Sometimes, it amazes me how well I manage what I have been suffering all these while.

Is it you who’s trying to make me have a fulfilling August? Why is my trip to Jakarta postponed to August from mid July? Why is my English mate visiting me in early August? Why is my workload piling up at this point of time? Why and why?

I miss you. A lot. I have vowed to myself, to be with you on the day you chose to leave me or should I say, I chose to let you leave me. I have planned to take the day off to drive back, be with you a little while and be at home to feel the afternoon emptiness, which is exactly how I felt when you were in hospital. Everything seems like a dream, only it was a bad dream, which I hope it wasn’t true.

30 July 2006 – 9:30am

I stopped at the “no parking” area to wait for their arrival. At the opposite lane, a green bus drove past and seconds later it stopped right in front of me. I turned on the ignition and looked as the bus unloading its passengers. And there I saw two happy faces.

“There, drink this chrysanthemum tea. I woke up early to make this for you. Good boy.”

Off I drove back onto Federal Highway and back to Subang for a late breakfast. It was a simple “chee cheong fun” breakfast a Kwai Sun. A place where it gives me miserable heartache if I sit at the same place eating the same food in the morning. After the hearty breakfast, it was shopping for working clothes time at Midvalley.

It was about 4pm before we decided to call it off and drove back to Ipoh. It took slightly longer than normal to reach as I didn’t bother to step on the gas too much because I didn’t want to get the nagging. Reached home, mum opened the gate and in I drove. I stopped at the usual spot, but this time I knocked the flower pot and it fell onto the ground, pouring off its soil. Panicked for a tad second but had everything back into one piece without any damage.

But instead, it was a sign to a much greater damage.

27.06.84

I must admit I’ve been neglecting this blog for quite a while, a month and a week, if I’m not mistaken. Anyhow, sometimes I reckon I should when the things being written here aren’t joyful, even for a bit. Tobe honest, I tried to pen happy moments, but most of the time, it’ll be like staring at the blank screen for half and hour and ended up turning off the PC in frustration. Ironically, the vibe inside me is gone, for what I made believe.

It has been pretty much dull weeks, with a lot of thoughts here and there, very much related to happy memories I used to have and I wished to write it down but it didn’t seem to happened because I didn’t want to get caught in depression every single damn day. There are, in fact a lot of thoughts being raised by my inner self during my weeks of absence in blogging.

It’s almost end of June and a year ago, I tendered my resignation letter at my previous company. It seems just like yesterday. With June reaching its end, it means August is fast approaching. And this could probably cause me to succumb back into the destructive feelings. Most probably I will even with work piling up by that period. I might even take a hike to elsewhere, if finance is not a problem, which is very unlikely to happen. Having suffered for almost a year, it is not easy, I shall say.

The clock has strike 12. Happy Birthday to me. This is my first birthday, without you wishing me and I’m not feeling good about it. How I wished you’re here to be with me. At least for me to say, I love you too and thank you for bringing me to this world. The regret would be I was forced to stop saying this 22 years later.

A Date With Mum

Mama,

It’s the time of the year again where mothers will be loved and treasured by their children.

This is the first year where you won’t be around for me to cherish the love you poured over the years. I still remember how I spent the last Mother’s day with you. You had always wanted a pearl pendant to match daddy’s gift to you, a white gold necklace. We were out together and I decided to get you one since I had started working to finally afford to buy presents for you. It wasn’t expensive at all because you purposely chose the one which is less exorbitant, just to save my money. Simplicity is always inside you. I could see the smile on your face from the reflection of the mirror as I put it on you. In return, you hugged me as a sign of appreciation and I could feel the warmth and happiness inside you. I guess you were really happy and eventually I promised a far lot more things to you, which I figured out I can afford in the months or years to come.

Happiness didn’t last long when you could only wear for the next 3 months and I was forced to remove it off you. Do you know how badly I cried when I was removing it from you? I’ll never forget how you were feeling your neck looking and asking for the necklace and pendant which symbolises dad and me. I put it inside my pocket everyday, with hope I could put it back on for you. But I couldn’t and the pendant is still with me.

I wish I could put your mother’s day gift onto you again but I know it can never be done.

Tell me why this should suffice
I hold you through the night
Now will I let it go
Soon I’ll let it go

Can you see me cry
Do you see me cry

Having suffered over the past months, I can’t recall the last time I smiled with warmth inside me.

As I was browsing through the previous posts in xanga, I found that I wrote this sentence, “In a couple of months time, I’ll be able to gain what I’ve lost.” I remember vividly it sounded fearless because my mind was all set to get back what I’d lost. I did well and I was slowly gaining but little do I know, a year after I wrote that, I lost even more.

I’ll be going back to Ipoh this weekend, to wish you Happy Mother’s Day. Mama, I love you. As what I’ve mentioned to you, you’ll always be closed to my heart. The necklace you gave me on my 21st birthday that I’m wearing now, symbolises this.

You’d nurtured me with unconditional love and pampered me with the things I asked for.
You guided me to realise my dream and I saw tears in your eyes when you witnessed my glory.
You managed well when papa left us and I knew you suffered badly as I wasn’t even there to be with you.
You’d always be there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

But now, it’s never possible for me to shower you with love. You left me to find papa.

Your son who misses you everyday.

Killer Stroke

Having published the post below, this morning, I was told that someone’s a victim of the said topic. Humans are constantly being threatened and without them knowing, it’s bye bye world.

However, I had my thoughts focused elsewhere.

________________________________________________________________

That’s the headline that appears in The Star paper today. The moment I clicked open the page, I could feel the uneasiness inside me but I wanted to carry on reading to know more on the said topic, that robbed the ever most precious person away from me and had caused a great mess in my life.

“Six new cases occur every hour in Malaysia” as reported by Datuk Seri Dr. Chua.

As shocking as it sounds, that’s the simple truth. It simply is scary knowing such fact that everyone’s life is at risk of the killer disease. I know it should be obvious, judging from the lifestyles that most people are adapting to. Fatty food, lack of exercise,smoking, obesity, diabetes, high cholesterol level and failure to control hypertension.

However, I have a different point of view. It doesn’t happen only to those who’s obese, has a habit of smoking and having food that has high cholesterol level. Take a look at people around you. They too, suffer even though they maintain a regular, simple and healthy lifestyle. Everyone has a certain level of cholesterol inside them, and when one reaches a certain age, he/she is bound to suffer from hypertension. Failure to control can prove to be fatal.

What does the term actually mean? Stroke is a rapidly developing loss of part of brain function or loss of consciousness due to interuption of blood supply to the brain. It can be considered as a medical emergency and can cause permanent neurological damage or even death if not promptly diagnosed and treated. It can be classified into two categories. Ischemic and hemorrhagic. Ischemic stroke is when a blood vessel becomes occluded, causing blood supply to the brain is partially or fully blocked. A hemorrhagic stroke is a common form of stroke that occurs when a blood vessel in the brain ruptures or bleeds. Survival rate for the first is higher than the latter.

Regardless of which category it falls into, it would be a catastrophic tragedy for one. How would you enjoy, seeing your loved ones, suffer from tremendous pain that it creates?

I just can’t continue writing this…

It doesn’t matter now
As it has over anyhow
He tells the world that you’re sleeping
But as the night comes around
He hears its lonely sound
It isn’t roaring, it’s weeping.

I miss you.

Believe

Believe in what your heart is saying
Hear the melody that’s playing
Believe in what you feel inside

What should I do?
Why do I feel as if my instinct is holding me back?
Is this not the right time?
What will I see?
Will I see the happier you?